Red-Headed Bavarian Returns

You may have been wondering this season at some points, where is Ryan Mullahey or, if you’re Nick Rizzi, who is Ryan Mullahey?

AND WHO THE F*CK ARE THE ELMSHORN ALLIGATORS?

Ryan, who most recently played for MVP during their 2019 championship campaign, told absolutely nobody within the MVP organization about his decision to take his talents to Germany. In fact, he led the entire team to believe he would make his long-awaited return in 2022 based on his text in the team group chat dating back to May 10th. (See Below)

Upon his arrival to Germany, Ryan joined the Elmshorn Alligators, colloquially known as the ‘Allies’ (pronounced ‘alleys’) not allies, they are Germans after all. Century of bad blood aside, they are in the 2nd Bundesliga North/North-East and in the Verbandsliga. The club most recently won the league in 2019 and felt adding someone with Ryan’s “New York grit” could take them back to the promise land. That absolutely did not happen whatsoever as the team finished a mediocre 10-10, but the shrewd Irishman did go on to put up video games and played in front of packed crowds.

In his stint with the Gators, Ryan posted a .472 average with 8 homers, 33 RBIs, and a ridiculous 1.611 OPS as well as hitting a walk-off grand slam during a 3-homer performance. Only one MVP player even hit 3 home runs this season. Sheesh.

The Alligator journalist went as far to call Ryan the “Viagra Blue Pill” for the Allies lineup. And no, I am very serious, this is not a classic MVP Insider misquote. This nickname, however, would certainly boost the occasional impotence-ridden MVP lineup performance.

The Alligators also made t-shirts with him on it. They will be hearing from our in-house counsel about using one of our player’s likeness without expressed written consent of the MVP Brew Crew Organization. (DEVELOPING…)

However, Ryan’s time in Germany was not without its fair share of turmoils as he was ejected a German-record 4 times in only 12 games, leaving the GM to ponder what type of antics to expect moving into 2023. MVP’s most recent ejection was in 2011 when his own father, Joe Mullahey, was removed from a regular season game for charging the mound on an unnamed Baga pitcher. DSSL Commissioner, Scott Schmidt, said not even Nolan Ryan would’ve had a shot. (UNCONFIRMED).

Attitude aside, Ryan’s left-handed bat will be something DSSL Analysts have identified as a necessity in a formidable, albeit righty-heavy lineup. The GM has been clear about his intentions to add a few left-handed hitters, although he’s been about as effective as Brian Cashman in re-signing Judge in achieving such a lofty goal.

MVP Insider was fortunate enough to get quote as well despite his agent, Scott Boras, being adamant against his retirement and transition to softball:

“I was honestly surprised MVP even got to a championship without me, let alone to win it. I mean, let’s be real, I hit better than guys that played slowpitch softball which is pretty pathetic. It’s remarkable that MVP got as far as they did, must’ve been that cunning and great-looking GM of theirs.“

“I am also at a point in my life where it is of equal importance to find an opportunity that encourages my evolution as a man: moving out of my comfort zone to an overrated softball team and clubhouse which offers the greatest potential for free beer. With this in mind, I have decided that I am going to re-join the MVP Brew Crew.”

Ryan Mullahey (maybe?) with a little help from Kevin Durant (who knows)

What a douchebag, but it doesn’t take much flattery to win over the GM.

Ryan is, in all likelihood, the only trick the GM has up his sleeves moving into the off-season as MVP is on the cusp of a 40-man roster with any more additions. Nonetheless, MVP Insider will continue to deliver the latest in DSSL Hot Stove news. Especially whether or not a Ryan James trade finally materializes. (DEVELOPING…)

Notable Pimp Pieces:

I mean are you kidding me? Good luck to the Stoners’ second baseman and the trees at the Tennis Court Fields.

Upon learning Ryan was to return to MVP, Alligator fans across Elmshorn were inconsolable as seen below.

Tough titties Germany, Mullahey is back and your national team was shit unfortunately .