MVP Set to Raise Batting Title Qualifications in 2023

After an entire season of Muscles and Brady bitching about Ryan James’ pitiful number of plate appearances and consultation with a few other respected DSSL GMs, the Brew Crew GM will be raising the at-bat minimum to compete for a batting title ahead of the 2023 season.

After discussing with both the Bagas and Dugouts, the GM was given different criterium for their qualifications. The Dugouts use a 20 at-bat minimum and the Bagas, taking it one step further, use a formula of 2.1 at-bats*total games in the season (10-12) which equates somewhere between 21-25 at-bats. After discovering this, MVP needed to make a change.

In years past, MVP has deemed 12 at-bats to be a sufficient amount. However, back in those days former GM, Tom Loesch, would be scrambling for players every Sunday morning at 9:10 AM. Under the new regime, the average age of the roster dropped from the early 40’s to early 20’s seemingly overnight which means there is an abundance of eager and green softball players suiting up every Sunday. This year, MVP averaged 14.85 players/game, which is quite high, but it makes earning a batting title all the more competitive.

After careful consideration and assessing that 16 of the 23 MVP players obtained 21+ at-bats, the GM is announcing a 21 at-bat minimum effective immediately. Why 21 and not 20? Because Ryan James wears number 20 and the organization will do anything to 1-up the MVP star.

For our less mathematically-inclined roster members, this translates to 1.75 at-bats/game over the course of a 12-game season and would require you to come to around 6-7 games. If that is too much for you to handle, you can take your talents and commitment issues elsewhere. Yes, Ryan James, if you want to keep your title you’re going to have to show up more.

Too bad, so sad.

Now, before you ask (Tom Brady), no, this does not discredit any previous batting title winners who met the 12 at-bat minimum by the hair on their ass prior to the 2023 season. Tough shit really, but I do apologize to Brady, Cirincione, and, most recently, Rizz who have been snubbed in some capacity by the previous laughable threshold for the batting title qualifications.

This is the first of many changes to come and the General Manager is open to any and all suggestions. (DEVELOPING…)