MVP 2022 Awards Announced…

Drumroll please.

On 13 at-bats, just barely the legal drinking age an MVP batting title, beloved fan favorite, Ryan James, has finally secured the Tom Loesch Batting Title Award. Ryan hit an impressive .769 in his calculated quantity of plate appearances. As we know, this blogger is not the biggest Ryan James fan on the club, but his name is one that has deserved to be on the trophy since its inception. Don’t worry, a blog is coming for Ryan. Will it be yet another dig at the already traumatized superstar or a love letter? You’ll find out soon enough.

Now, the awards.

Our Rookie of the Year, with 70% of the votes is Zach “Z-Dubs” White. Congratulations to Zach, who, at one point in the season, was a victim of the third base plague and, naturally, the aftermath of the blog. Since that moment, Zach was nothing short of masterful at the plate hitting .542 and had the 5th-highest OPS. on the season at 1.375. I think we’re all very grateful Big Z was able to push through the rookie hazing and excelled in what may be one of MVP’s top rookie classes in quite some time.

A new award this year will be Catcher of the Year. This award is presented to the squad’s favorite backstop. Securing 75% of the votes is Pat Biemer. Pat has essentially revolutionized the position by calling first and thirds, talking his way through pretty much every bang-bang call to fall MVP’s way, and even went as far to call foul balls when he’s not catching.

Defense wins championships and these two MVP players have been selected as our infield and outfield Gold Glovers; congratulations to middle infield wizard, Kyle Baylous and the overbearing, albeit ballhawk, Alex Bettenhauser. Kyle obtained 80% of votes for the infield and has been everything you can ask for out of a backup shortstop. The Captain may have just cemented his spot as MVP’s shortstop going into the postseason. Then there’s the GM, who pretty much would steal candy from a baby, except Wes, to catch a fly ball, and received 85% of the votes.

Another award has been introduced this season: the Cy Young Award. I’m sure this comes as little surprise that former GM, Tom Loesch, won the inaugural Cy Young with 80% of the votes. Tom was the Triple Crown winner in the entire league as he led in Wins, Ks, and, according to him, ERA. Congratulations to Tom.

The last of the on-field awards is the MVP Award. The MVP is the GM, Alex Bettenhauser, with 60% of the votes.

And now, our fun awards, the superlatives.

Because MVP has a roster that features not one, but two incredibly strong men, the “Biggest Muscles” Award was introduced. Despite the nickname, Muscles was sandblasted by Meat Cannon (aka Vogelbach, aka Shane White) with 75% of the votes. Basically, MVP thinks Muscles is small from this response rate.

The Nicest Guy Award is an award I’m quite surprised I, your kindhearted GM, wasn’t nominated for. Anyways, Matt “Ringo” Baylous is our nicest guy recording 45% if the votes. I mean, what can I say, Matt is just a really nice guy. He makes his brother seem like a dick, which is tough to do.

Okay, okay settle down. Here’s your best beard results:
• Winner: Brady (40%), 2-time winner
• James’ Marc Anthony Look (35%)
• J-Rich (15%)

And, to wrap things up, our Quote of the Year. Who else could it be from than our walking quote book, Tom Loesch. Here he is,

“We’re all going to shower later. Not together of course.”

Tom Loesch

And on an even lighter note, management has elected to introduce a new award for the “Teammate of the Year.” The award is dedicated to John Merrill and will carry his namesake from here on out. With that said, there can only be one person to take home the first “John Merrill Teammate of the Year” Award and it is John “1-Leg” Merrill. Congratulations to John and everything you’ve done to keep the morale high amongst a rag-tag group of goons.

Congratulations to all of our winners, now the real winning begins Sunday.