Rizzi’s Overnight Success: Hard Work or Foul Play?

Is Nick Rizzi (Rizzo, Rizzuto?) the best signing this GM has made?

The first half of the 2022 DSSL season has given every reason to say yes. Sorry Munch.

So who is Nick Rizzi?

Well, we know that he is Italian, hitting a team-high .800 and on pace to win his first batting title in only his second season.

That being said, what is the secret behind our Italian Stallion’s success?

VHS Tapes of Tom Loesch Hitting Tutorials.

Nick Rizzi has attributed most of his success this season to reviewing old footage of Tom Loesch’s peak seasons during the Reagan Administration years. Rizz claimed he found the videos in the North Shore Public Library Archives during a trip there in the offseason as we have come to learn Nick is a slow-pitch softball history savant.

When we asked Tom Loesch about his film star years in the 80s, he immediately turned pale upon learning we had any knowledge of their existence.

Does Tom’s film career span beyond the diamond?

His look of concern indicates Tom’s short shorts, or lack there of, may have had more time on the silver screen than they should’ve. Upon MVP Insider’s request for a comment on his off-field indiscretions, Loesch lawyered up. (DEVELOPING…)

Back to Nick.

Rizz’s rapid turnaround from hitting .458 in 2021 to .800 may be more than some saucy Tom Loesch VHS tapes, but reminiscent of Munch‘s shift from hitting .357 in 2018 to .727 en route to his first batting title last season.

While both have passed PED tests, another reason has come to light as a possible influence on both player’s almost overnight success: a buzzer system.

DSSL Commissioner Scott Schmidt has been on heightened alert in light of recent cheating scandals across the league and ordered an immediate investigation following a 13-6 defeat to them last Sunday. Upon his investigation, he found Nick Rizzi removing what appeared to be a buzzer on his person in the parking lot.

Commissioner Schmidt felt Rizz’s use of technology gave him an unfair advantage as he knew exactly what was coming when and alluded that former batting champion, Nick Bettenhauser also took part in these unsportsmanlike tactics.

PR representatives of the DSSL claim suspensions for both are imminent, but Rizz’s agent, Scott Boras, is ready to fight this to the nail as they plan to appeal any punishments that are passed down by the league office.

That being said, Rizzi will be at the field tomorrow at 8AM for a meet-and-greet in efforts to put the focus back where it belongs: the fans.

MVP will take on the young up-and-coming Goblins tomorrow in a match-up that has more off-field distractions than this GM signed up for.